Prince Protection Program
by starsnuffers
Summary: Spoof on Princess Protection Program. “No more arguing. You go back to Africa, you will die. All your people will be enslaved. Do you want that?” I roll my eyes and scoff. “No. Fine, I’ll stop. God, you don’t have to be such a dick about it.”


**Chapter 1**

Gotta piss.

Yes, this is true. I, Prince Nathaniel Aleksandr Dzhapridze the sixth has to go potty. Perhaps I should get my servants to carry me to the loo.

Or, perhaps I shouldn't… cause Disney got it all wrong.

I don't live in a fancy palace with servants to feed me grapes and wipe my ass. I don't know what they were thinking when they put that Demi chick in that movie. I don't get to have servants, or make laws, or steal money from peasants, hell I don't even get to kill people.

How can I have any fun if I can't kill people?

I get out of my bed and begin my blind search for the loo.

Fuck!

I tripped over a chair.

Wait, who the hell put a chair there anyway?

Suddenly, I feel something crash down on me and I pass out.

I wake up in some room with white walls and I'm tied to a chair.

Good god, I got kidnapped.

Great.

Some scary looking Russian guy walks in the room and turns on a lamp, shining it in my eyes. I turn my head away. "Bright light in my eyes!" I complain.

The guy pinches me.

Yeah, like that hurt a lot.

"What's the combination?" he asks me in Russian. Good thing I speak ten different languages.

"To what?" I ask.

He pinches me again.

"What the hell?!"

If this is his worst form of torture, he obviously hasn't been to the United States. OOOHHHH, DISS! Yeah, I just dissed America and the fact that they like to torture people.

"Give me the combination to the safe," he demands, getting out a gun. He points it at the ground to shoot it, but guess what? There's nothing in there. I pretend like I didn't notice this guy is a total retard, and he puts the unloaded gun against my head. "What is it, kid?"

"I have no clue," I tell him honestly.

"Tell me or I shoot!"

"Look, dude, nobody tells me anything around here. You princenapped the wrong guy. I don't even know what safe you're talking about."

He pinches me again.

"What the fuck?! Dude, I'm telling you the truth."

The guy takes out a phone and calls some number. I assume it's my mum's because he says, "I have your son. Tell me the combination to the safe or I'll kill him."

"Don't worry, Mum!" I call out. "The gun's not even loaded. The guy's a retard." He hits me in the head with the gun and I go, "OWWW!" Damn. That actually hurt.

He turns to me, "Well, Prince Nathaniel, if you don't give me the combination right now, I will kill you. Do you want to die?"

"Uhhh no thanks."

"Then give it to me!"

"I told you I don't have it."

And you know what's even worse? I have to pee.

"This is your last chance!" he threatens.

"What are you gonna do? I ask. "Shoot me?"

He pulls the trigger. I close my eyes and flinch. I hear a gun going off. But, I'm still alive. What the bloody Hell? I look over and see Mum's bodyguard, Bernard, standing there with a gun pointed at the Russian kidnapper.

The kidnapper drops his gun and runs.

Bernard comes over to me and unties me.

"That guy was an idiot," I say, getting the ropes off of my ankles. "His gun wasn't even loaded. All he did was pinch me."

Bernard grabs my arm and pulls me away quickly.

"Bloody hell!" I yell at him. "You know, you're stronger than you think, Bernie."

"You're in danger. You must come with me right away."

I roll my eyes. "Fine, fine. I'll play your stupid game."

He leads me to a helicopter and pushes me in it and he jumps in himself, it takes off quickly.

I sit down in a chair. "So, uh, where are we going?"

"I can't tell you," he says.

"I'm not allowed to know where I'm going?" I ask. "Well where's my family?"

"Your brothers are safe, don't worry. You'll be with them shortly."

"Okay, where's my mum?"

"At your house."

"At. My. House."

"Yes."

"When is she going to be with me?"

"We'll see."

Okay, now I'm pissed. "No. As your prince, I demand you tell me why I can't be with my mother."

Bernard puts on his concerned face and turns to me. "If you go back to your home, you will be killed. Your mother is safe there, I promise. They want you and your brothers."

"Why the hell would they want me? I'm only sixteen. I can't do anything."

"No more arguing. You go back to Africa, you will die. All your people will be enslaved. Do you want that?"

I roll my eyes and scoff. "No. Fine, I'll stop. God, you don't have to be such a dick about it."

The helicopter lands and Bernard puts a hat on me and sunglasses. He shoves a plane ticket at me and leads me into an airport. "Get on the plane. Don't talk to anyone. Don't ask questions. Don't tell anyone who you are or where you're from."

"Wait, what?" I ask. "Where am I going?"

Bernard pats me on the head and leaves.

"Hey! Bernard! Wait!" I call after him. "Ugh! Jackass!" I turn around and walk into the airport. The ticket says gate C11.

Oh, it's right over there.

OH MY GOD, STARBUCKS!

"Final boarding for gate C11," some announcing lady says.

Damn, no time.

I hurry my little booty over to the gate and hand some dude my ticket, getting on the plane.

As I walk down the isle of the plane, everyone looks at me weird.

Oh, yeah, cause I'm still in my jimjams.

I find my seat and sit down next to some lady talking loudly on a Bluetooth headset.

This is why I hate Americans. And public airplanes.

About thirty minutes into the flight, a flight attendant asks me what I want to drink. I say water and then ask, "Hey, where is this plane going?"

"Dallas, Texas. In the United States," she answers, handing me a cup of water.

"OH, FUCK MY LIFE." I say rather loudly and take the water. "Thank you." Princes can't forget their manners now.


End file.
